What led you to become a Christian?

Brokenness. Despair. And saying, “Go on then God, if you’re real I’ll give you a go!”

My younger sister had been attending church youth groups and wanting to go to church. I used to take her along to events. The youth worker invited me along to church too. I found the messages were speaking to me and I was emotionally reacting to things that were being said in a good way.

18 months later, I was home from uni for the weekend, and my stepdad kicked me out so I went to church the next morning and was like “I’ve got to give this a go. It can’t be worse than what’s already happening.”

How does your neurodiversity affect your experience of church? What does it make easier or harder?

The peace is the worst thing in the world. Do not make me go around and talk to people or shake hands with people or people try and hug me. That is just all in my personal space and difficult and I hate it.

Allowing me to sit where I want helps. I like sitting, not necessarily at the back, but at the edge. I’ve realised I don’t like having people all around me; it’s a sensory thing, as well as a bit of a safety thing from bad experiences in the past.

I guess the other thing is letting me work at my own pace. It’s good to have encouragement to get involved in things, but not to be forced. I’m often slow to get involved because I want to engage fully with things.

How do you best connect with God?

With others. I cannot do it on my own; I don’t have the focus for it.

And it needs to be with others when I’m comfortable being around them; happy being me, happy sharing, happy talking about God, praying, worshipping; without producing distractions.

And I’ve realised that I need good worship music too – if the band aren’t of a good standard, I get distracted by the bits that aren’t quite right. Which is terrible and not what you should be focusing on.

For me to engage with a sermon properly, I need to sit and write it or doodle at least. I need to be busy with my hands in order to listen well.

I’m really good at listening to podcasts when I’m driving. If I’m not driving, I can’t listen to a podcast. I don’t focus on it. Whereas when I’m driving, I’m already doing something, so actually it works for me.

Are there things that others assume should work for you and really don’t?

People always assume that a quiet time works. The old school way was you get a book of the daily notes, wasn’t it? And you sit with your quiet time and your notebook, like a tea or a drink or whatever. And you just have half an hour’s peace and do it. Honestly, I felt so alienated. Why can’t I do this? This is how everyone connects with God. Why can’t I?

How can others best make you feel welcome?

To not make assumptions. To listen to my name and get it right. I’m not Sally; I’ve never introduced myself as Sally. I’m Sal. And it’s difficult because someone is trying to be nice to me, but they’re getting my name wrong, and I’m not sure how to handle it.

It’s really important to have others come alongside me as I am and not trying to make me conform to who they expect me to be. Just take me as I am as me.

I think just welcoming in and doing life together. I think that’s really important for me. I think when we came to our previous church, people were brilliant at inviting us to just to join life with them. Just come over for Sunday lunch, or do you want to go for a walk? Or have you thought about, we’re doing this social, do you want to come and join in? 

And give my kids the space they need. Don’t poke at them. Don’t assume they’re a certain age, so they will go to that group and they’ll just go and do it. If they need time to settle and they’re clinging to me, let them do it. Because actually in my team, we’ll cling hard, but we’ll quite quickly go off and be free if they’re allowed to. But if people push them to do something, they’re never going to do it.

If you could change one thing about your church, what would it be?

To actually worship together as a family, be in one church. Prayer is really important – having the chance to pray with others at church.

And I would say to not send the parents out to go and get their kids before the service is actually finished. It feels like I’m being excluded because I’m a parent. As a clergy spouse, I’m often doing solo parenting at church, and it reminds me that there must be so many single parents who have that as their experience of church.

Are there things you would like to do in church but feel unable to?

I’d love to do more youth work. But feel unable to for so many reasons at the moment – energy, parenting, the availability of time, feeling out of practice and like I need a bit of refresher training.

What has most helped you grow as a Christian?

Walking with others. As Christians, encouragement. And coming to terms with the fact that it’s ok to be different from everybody else and to do things differently. Walking with others who care without being condescending.

What would you say to yourself aged 17 or 18?

I think it’s just about being kind to yourself, isn’t it? And being better at being an advocate for myself – to say when things aren’t working and ask for them to change. To be comfortable with who I am because God made me, and I need to learn to love me.

SAL*

I’m a 30-something mum of two, married to a trainee minister in England. Before having kids, I was a teacher. I’ve got ADHD and autism.

“I’ve got to give this a go. It can’t be worse than what’s already happening.”