WHAT’S YOUR EXPERIENCE OF NEURODIVERSITY?

There’s a fair bit of neurodiversity in my wider family – my grandmother was clearly autistic by modern standards, for example – but my main experience is that I’m a mum of two kids. my daughter [F16] is autistic, and my son [M11] has ADHD.

HOW DOES NEURODIVERSITY AFFECT YOUR EXPERIENCE OF CHURCH?

Most of my experience comes from [St M’s], which is a lovely suburban, middle-class church. It’s generally not used to anything out of the ordinary, and until about six years ago, they really couldn’t cope with neurodiversity because they had no idea how to handle it.

My daughter, for example, was expected to sit and do what all the other kids were supposed to do, though at that time, we didn’t yet know she was neurodiverse. Now, she’s diagnosed as autistic with definite sensory processing issues. Looking back, we can see the signs—she often masked her struggles, but it wasn’t obvious to others, and the church didn’t really know how to accept her doing things differently from the other children.

Without a diagnosis, when she wasn’t coping or didn’t enjoy being in the children’s group, she would sit in the main service instead. I was completely happy with this, as she was intellectually quite advanced, but the church didn’t like it. Once, I was visited by someone from the children’s ministry. I thought it was a nice gesture at first, but they were there to tell me that she was in the wrong place and needed to be in her group. It was said sweetly, but I felt pressured to force her into the group, which wasn’t right for her.

Looking back, I wish I had stood my ground. Some of the other mums, especially those with more kids, did. She was my first child, so I didn’t have the confidence to push back at the time.

It was different with my son. He was more obviously neurodiverse from a young age—just a blur of energy. Because he’s more outgoing, he was happy to join the groups, but my concern was always that the leaders wouldn’t know how to handle him, especially when he got over-excited. I worried there would be incidents because they didn’t know how to help him regulate himself.

The church wasn’t flexible enough to accommodate kids like mine. It was like everyone had to fit into boxes and do the same thing. But then things started to change when [St M’s] hired a new youth and children’s worker who had experience with neurodiversity in her own blended family. She was the first to really try and make church accessible for all kids. It was a shock to the system, but also a relief.

Their current youth worker is neurodiverse himself and comes from a neurodiverse family, so he’s really accepting. He doesn’t mind if my son goes into the wrong age group—as long as he is happy, that’s what matters.

To me, the most important thing is that the kids feel happy and comfortable at church. If that means being in a different group or not doing what everyone else is doing, that’s okay. What’s crucial is that they feel church is a safe and welcoming place so they want to come back. Church should feel like family. If they don’t absorb every lesson, it’s fine. If they’re happy and comfortable, they’ll pick up things over time, and most importantly, they’ll have a positive view of church and, by extension, God.

IF WORK REQUIRED YOU TO MOVE TO A DIFFERENT CITY AND YOU WERE LOOKING FOR A NEW CHURCH, WHAT WOULD YOU LOOK FOR TO MAKE YOUR FAMILY FEEL WELCOME?

I would look for a welcoming church that accepts my children as they are. Whether it’s a high or low church in terms of style doesn’t bother me much. What matters more to me is the attitude of the congregation and the people involved in children’s ministry.

You need people who understand that kids are just kids. Some are a bit more “kids-like” than others, and that’s okay. When he was younger, I remember I would often worry about my son, especially when he would run around with other kids his age. But one day at St. Jude’s, Rosemary quietly approached him and simply said, “Just play your ball over there.” It was great! She accepted that he was a child, and stopping him from playing would have caused more frustration than good. It’s all about managing it, not trying to control or stop normal behaviour.

So, it’s not just the children’s group leaders that need to be accepting—it’s the whole congregation. For example, during prayers in services, especially when toddlers are still present, kids can make noise or move around. It’s important that the adults are understanding and don’t get upset over that.

At St. Jude’s, they’ve been really good about this, and [St M’s] isn’t bad either. But I think in any church, the key is having a community that’s accepting of children being children, with all the noise and energy that comes with it.

HOW DO YOUR KIDS BEST CONNECT WITH GOD?

For my daughter, her connection with God took a turn when things got difficult with my son and then when my husband received a difficult diagnosis. Up until that point, she seemed to have a strong connection, but after that, she distanced herself from God. my son, on the other hand, still believes in God, but for both of them, I’d say their connection has largely come through their imaginations.

When my daughter was younger, I tried hard not to limit her imagination. For example, she had this wonderful theory about the cross on top of St. M’s—she believed it wasn’t just a wooden cross with a light shining on it, but that it was something magical. She enjoyed the idea, and so did I. At one point, she even imagined that the fairies were doing God’s bidding! I wasn’t sure how theologically sound that was, but I thought, “We’ll work through it, and eventually, she’ll just connect it to God.”

Things changed when my daughter had a bad experience at school. I suggested she pray to Jesus when she was struggling, and I think she may have tried it. Unfortunately, she encountered some religious intolerance, and that was the end of her praying at school. Now, she doesn’t talk about God at all, and while she used to be angry with Him, she seems to have forgotten that anger. She’s decided she just doesn’t believe anymore. And when an autistic person makes up their mind, it can be incredibly hard to work around that.

My son, on the other hand, connects with God through his vivid imagination but also through his love of detail. He often asks me deep questions, like about the Trinity—“How can Jesus be dead and still be up there with God?” We end up having some really fascinating metaphysical conversations because his thinking is way ahead of his peers. But in church, he tends to sit quietly in a corner playing with toys or reading, until it’s time to play football. Football is his ultimate motivator—he’ll engage in the church service because he knows there’s a game at the end. One of the older kids, who’s now 17 and heading to university soon, has become my son’s dedicated football partner. It’s been great for him.

At the core of it, I think imagination has been the key way both my daughter and my son connected with God. my daughter’s imagination brought her close to God until she decided otherwise. For my son, it’s his way of processing things, and his intellectual curiosity is a big part of that connection.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU THINK I SHOULD ASK YOU OR THAT YOU’D LIKE TO SAY ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE IN DIVERSITY AND FAITH?

I’ve learned a lot about tolerance and accepting that people need different things. For kids like mine, if football is what they love, we should embrace that. A friend of mine used to let her kids play games on their phones during church, and I thought she was onto something—at least they’re present in the atmosphere.

It’s vital for everyone to feel a sense of fellowship in church, especially for high-functioning neurodiverse kids. They are aware and engaged, even if they seem distant. my kids are hypervigilant; they pick up on everything around them.

My son is especially sensitive to rejection and disapproving vibes. All kids sense that, and they assume that they are the one that’s wrong, not the intolerant adult – which is why it’s so important for the whole congregation to be the supportive family kids need. It takes a village, or a church, to raise a child.

Inclusion in church should mean creating an environment where everyone feels comfortable and valued. If that means getting kids involved in whatever way they can, even if it’s just helping with the collection basket or counting people, then that’s essential.

Ultimately, it’s about making church a place that accepts and nurtures everyone’s differences. We need to keep our doors open for everyone, recognizing the unique gifts they bring.

I’ve learned a lot about tolerance and accepting that people need different things.